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Annual Naff Fest, Eurovison is as excruciating as ever. Except Greece

Eurovision. Perhaps the most excruciating offshoot of the whole European project. There is something so Europop about it – so tacky neon, so shiny shirted and so fundamentally un British that it is just some bizarre oddity to us. Silvio Berlusconi was probably rocking the night away though.

Anyway – cut a long story short – it was rubbish. Except for Greece. Greece managed to come up with a load of blokes in skirts yelling ‘Alcohol is Free’ at the top of their voices. It was the only classy moment of a night that consistently drowns in a sea of its own naffness.

Denmark's Emmelie de Forest, won with 281 points for her song Only Teardrops. Azerbaijan came next (no doubt their dear leader had greased as many medallion strewn palms as possible) Ukraine came third and Greece was fourth. HOORAY FOR GREECE. It was such a quality effort and summed up the anti austerity mood in Europe with its central refrain that it nearly ended up saddling the Greeks with the cost of having to host this rather expensive farce next year.

Bonnie Tyler came 19th. It seems that Eurovison is rapidly turning into a sort of reality show for once high flyers to attempt career resuscitation. And it doesn’t work. Not last year for Englebert. Not this year for Bonnie. Total Eclipse of the Fart.

According to The Guardian 'The show began with an odd film about a caterpillar becoming a butterfly while travellling from Azerbaijan, host of last year's final, to Sweden via Europe's transport network – precisely the sort of abuse of Europe's open borders that Ukip's Nigel Farage has been warning us about.'

This is the David Hasselhoff of music shows and despite a selection of riduiculous hairstyles, terrifying costumery, weird crypto supermarket folk, campness gone wrong, and all round sonic agony – well it was still rubbish. Shudder.

Written by Cyrus Bozorgmehr - Google+ Profile - More articles by Cyrus Bozorgmehr

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