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Bonnie Tyler to represent UK at Eurovision

The UK’s ongoing campaign to ridicule the Eurovision Song Contest continues with their choice of singer to represent the nation in 2013. Gravel-voiced Welsh warbler of indeterminate age Bonnie Tyler is the choice to look on stoically while assorted European juries award zero points to the British entry.

Tyler, still best-known for her operatically over-the-top rendition of 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart', a song too melodramatic even for Meat Loaf, will carry the UK’s hopes, or rather the nation’s collective indifference and amusement in Malmo, Sweden on May 13.

The song, 'Believe In Me', was written for her by Desmond Child. "It is an honour to represent my country," Tyler said with a straight face, before halfway admitting that Eurovision might be her best hope of having another hit. "It is also a wonderful way to ensure that my song 'Believe In Me' reaches the widest possible audience. It is a very strong, catchy and melodic song that appeals to a wide range of people. Desmond Child partially wrote this song at the dinner table at his house in Nashville whilst we were all eating together." We can picture the scene, with Des saying, "Hey, Bonnie, how much do you bet that I can write a Eurovision entry while we wait for dessert?”

Tyler continues the UK’s recent habit of entering artists that the European audience might have heard of. Not that it has worked. Boy band Blue flopped in 2011, while ancient middle-of-the-road crooner Engelbert Humperdinck disappointed by finishing 25th in 2012.

Tyler’s hits Total Eclipse and Holding Out For A Hero remain in heavy rotation at nightclubs frequented by middle-aged Eurotrash, so she might have some residual goodwill in Eurovision land. Although it is more likely that David Cameron’s recent speeches will have hardened the continentals against supporting anything British.

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