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Coldplay's Chris Martin in shock setting fire to house scandal

Who would have thought that of all the rock stars in all the world guilty of being a dreadful role model, it would be the wildly exciting Chris Martin of personality free band Coldplay.

Forget Keith Richards falling out of trees or the Happy Mondays licking pensioners – it is Chris Martin’s appallingly lax attitude to fire safety that is causing a scandal in middle England. Mr Charisma himself has been exposed by his wife, the not at all drippy Gwyneth Paltrow for his scandalous culinary exploits which saw him nearly burn down their house twice and the local fire service pop round for a lesson in safety.

Gwyneth let this fascinating nugget of home life chez les Martins slip when appearing on Channel 4 cooking show, Jamie and Jimmy's Food Fight Club.

She said: "He has twice cooked a meal and this is not a joke, both times the fire brigade came. I swear on my life - both times." One wonders about her motives here – is this a new bid for ‘dangerous rock god’ status?

Picture the scene. Wholesome bliss tinged with background warbling from the stereo as Chris listens to the latest Coldplay jam sessions. Local wildlife slitting their wrists in despair as melodic mediocrity fliters through to the garden. Apple and Moses frolicking about as if in an organic oxygen catalogue. Gwyneth tucking herself into a yoga position and churning out the latest riveting installment of her smugness free blog on the iPad.

Step forth Chris after his wheatgrass enema to knock up some roast mungo beans, an organic nettle puree and some fair trade chickpeas. And all hell breaks loose. Flames engulf his guitar – a particularly poignant moment as Chris had always disapproved of such rock n roll antics. The bamboo curtains start to smoulder. Shrieks penetrate the atmosphere of monastic righteousness. And then the fire engine turns up as Gwyneth rails against the red truck’s tragic disregard for feng shui.

OK that last bit has a fair bit of artistic license in it – but we aim to set the scene here at Excite.

Following their visit to the house, Head of Operations, Prevention and Response Dave Brown - said: “People often think that fires only happen to vulnerable people but young professionals have a quarter of all house fires in London.

"Chris will know that fires can develop almost at the Speed of Sound so it’s important that when they’re cooking, people don’t have A Rush of Blood to the Head and leave their cooking unattended causing a lot of Trouble.”

You have to wonder how long he spent on writing that statement. It’s full of Coldplay song references apparently, so it's a miracle he didn't hang himself during the research phase

Written by Cyrus Bozorgmehr - Google+ Profile - More articles by Cyrus Bozorgmehr

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